Multi-Tasking Manga Master

For those of you begging me to come up with some non-kid material~ tough. My School is Back in Session Break is not for another week.

Looking on dear five year-old daughter's desk this morning, I see she had out her mini-manga drawing book that Santa put in her stocking. Santa was not sure she would like it. But he wanted to be fair since her brothers got the same kits. She was the first to try it. Here are the included instructions. Her sketch is on the left.




I think she did pretty well, especially considering she used a ball-point pen. I told her how impressed I was and she said "Oh, that. I just did it real quick while I was sitting on the pot."

Talk about a casual artist......

Hope Your Wife Is In Good Shape

The kiddos are happily eating their pancakes, eagerly awaiting present time. I noticed the following note next to the fireplace:

Dear: Santa Clause
I have been a good kid this year. and I would also like to know how youre reindeer and wife are doing? Rudolph still got his nose bright for Christmas. Does Rudolph ever get his nose polished? Well, hows your wife? Is she in good shape? And health is doing good right? I'd really like these questions answered Christmas morning.


Sincerely, Scott

P.S. hope you are in good health and shape too.

No rest for the weary Santa. You had better get back to him on this :)

Merry Christmas all of my bloggy friends. Thanks for your friendship and support all year!!!

The Greaty Eighties

Can't you just smell the Love's Babysoft now? I am going to post some old photos from my scrapbook, but gag me with a spoon for sure, don't know how it happened, but I sure remember looking cooler back then. LOL

This chick is not me ----------------------------------->
but I had that exact hairstyle for at least a few years. My kids will be so proud.



My favorite 80's memories:


* when a friend sprayed her hair for an entire minute with a can of Raid on accident~ DUH! It looked a little like the AquaNet can.......



* shopping at Miller's Outpost and a little store called Ragsmatazz for shiny, tight clothes and anything "ESPIRIT"

* going to SF with mom to hit the outlets, back when outlets were little hole in the wall stores or basements scattered all over the city

* feeling kinda left out when all my friends got perms since my hair was already curly



* dreaming of driving a new Datsun 280Z but really driving a Plymouth Satellite also known as "The Shark" which, BTW, can fit up to 10 non-seatbelt wearing girls with big hair and big talk and big aspirations. Also good for Chinese fire drills for the same reason

* Def Leppard, Van Halen, Flock of Seagulls, Duran, Duran, The Cars.....


* the birth of MTV especially the "Rio" video


* eating junk food, including TAB and all the Hostess stashed in my friend Bonti's freezer in her parents' garage, without worrying about fitting into those 501s or acid wash jeans with the high waist

* talking on the phone (the only line in the house) for HOURS about absolutely NOTHING

* dreaming of where to got to college


* dreaming of how the guys will be so much more mature that year......


* counting down the days until the braces came off and then when they finally come off, figure out nobody noticed the braces anyway

* staying out of "The Stoner Bathroom" at high school

* going to football games/the movies at night when it was probably 20 degrees out not wearing a jacket of any kind

* chewing green apple gum because it stunk like pot and somehow that was cool

* telling my parents I was spending the night at Jessie's house (oh so naive they were..)

* wearing bright red nail polish and matching waterproof lipstick, covering up curling iron boo boos and the occasional hickey


* cruising down Jefferson Avenue on Friday and Saturday nights in Napa~ woohooo!


* in college working in a store's lingerie department and seeing the look on the wife's face when I would say hi to my
professor(s) as they both walked by

* "Oh My God!!!!!"

* cassette tapes, empty hairspray cans and hairbrushes scattered all over the inside of our cars

* passing notes while driving in cars

*hard alcohol was wine coolers

* working out was aerobics. period. workout clothes involved leotards, headbands and reebok high-top sneakers






Well, found my high school portrait. You can even see the pink feathers, but you can't see the ugly tube top you had to wear under it. Sun-In in my hair and some ridiculous lip gloss and eyeliner. Also strangely preserved are some of my swim team photos. Notice the red nails and lipstick even under water...







I would love to have that old hair back.....

WORDLESS CANINE~

Simple Enough

Right? Taking the annual holiday kid photo for the Christmas cards.


Obviously I have parent heimers after an entire decade of kidhood. I was minimally prepared. Somehow each new session I think it is going to be easier than the last year.........
I did manage one good photo after small amounts of blood, sweat, tears and minor threats.

My back up plan was to use an old and somewhat embarrassing photo of the kids. So they can put it on their list of things I did wrong when they are in therapy. Some of my favorite contenders...

Merry Christmas from the Karate Kid Photokiller

Seasons Greeterings

Hark the Railroad Angels Sing.....

Deck the Halls with a Little Harmless Cross-Dressing



Not a Creature was stirring, not even a pissed off mouse (who's entire class had to be mice in the school play, much to his chagrin)

I'm Dreaming of a
Green-Haired Christmas

In the Christmas Spirit Already on the First Day of School

Jingle Bells, My Hair is in Swells, Mom Get the Brush

Silent Night Camping With Kids~ NOT!

Do You Hear What I Hear?

PEACE BE WITH ALL OF YOU DURING THIS CRAZY ASS HOLIDAY TIME!!

DAMAGED

The art of damage. My lovely friend Susan, with her ridiculously neat handwriting and riduculously warm heart, sent me a note with a notecard enclosed for my mom. I got her letter in a plastic bag that says "WE CARE" compliments of the US Postal Service. The letter was torn open and the pretty stamp torn up. Hmmmmm... and Susan was recently seen with a shady character at a gas station rendezvous. Something tells me her life is much more exciting than my own. I don't think anyone has ever been that interested in some letter I sent. If letters could talk.....

And speaking of damaged, that reminds me of my damaged goods: stock portfolio, the retirement account, my car, my body and part of my soul. Once when you hear "You have cancer" you can't help but to always have at least one foot in the Valley of the Shadow of Death. I think I am down to just my pinkie toe. My body,heart and spirit are healed. But to move on after damage, that is something I did not do alone. See below.

I am rejoicing the launch of Hayley's website ThereIsLifeAfterBreastCancer. My poor pitiful story is there. It took me 6 months to write it. Hayley, on the other hand, can express her feelings easily and beautifully. Her hard work and dedication to the the cause of living after breast cancer is much appreciated!!!

Desperately Seeking Sanity

HA! I finished holiday shopping. Boo Hiss from the crowd ;) Well, everything but 2 gift cards and some dolls for dear daughter's doll house. Shhhh. Don't tell her. Dear husband knows the secret: the doll house is really for me. I think I even have room for it in my room. Dear daughter's room is very crowded......







What have I been doing? Well, pondering life's great mysteries. Like why Tupperware can not ever stay organized? Why do I have to click "OK" twice to delete spam, but deleting important emails is instantaneous? Why do rude people exist? Are we over-parenting our children and setting them up for failure? Why can't girls join the wrestling team? Why don't I ever have any cute shoes?







And as Eminem says "Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity" Who knew that dude could be so prophetic?







So I have recently been fooling around with some snarky logos. Tell me what you think....

Get your Gossip Central gear here.

Get your Enablers Anonymous gear here.

I have a few others up my sleeve.

Peace!

It's Never Too Early for a Christmas List

At risk of sounding materialistic, and not teaching the true meaning of Christmas, we have officially started the kids' Christmas lists. And as we all know, birds don't get much for Christmas, so starting a Christmas list in October does seem wrong on many levels. But the reality is dear husband and I were desperate for some down time and needed something for the kids to do with enthusiasm. In their rooms. By themselves. For a good hour. Writing up their Christmas lists (and really the relatives will start asking soon what they need/want) was just the ticket last night. Two of the three turned theirs in today. I guess we should have discussed a budget beforehand......




First, dear five-year old daughter, who must have had some help from older brother for the first 16 items. Yes, 16.





1. Nintendo DS


2. French Manicure Nails


3. Haircut set with Makeup


4. Hot Pink Cell Phone


5. Give All the Kids Toys


6. Shiny Shoes


7. Five Books


8. Toy Pony (thank goodness it was "toy")


9. Barbie Doll Stickers


10. Toy Wiener Dog (thanks Jan)


11. Toy Kitten


12. Remote Control Parrot


13. Remote Control Helicopter


14. Toy Ghost


15. Crown + Wand + Fairy Suit


16. Camera





and then she thought some more and wrote in herself:





That is "FAKE driver's license" for those of you not used to deciphering 5-year old spelling. I think she did pretty well.

I think I can take her extra passport photo and glue it on an old gift card.......







Dear 7 year old son had at least 30 items. A round up:

cheat book for Nintendo DS, ipod plus songs, art stuff, artist's stuff, fool's gold, sling shot, remote control motor boat and car, crystals, valuable coins, toy ghost, toy zombie, gift card, water gun, nerf gun, camera, bike helmet, pokemon cards, cloneship lego star wars, bionicles, droid ship, marsh mellow gun, books, action figures.

So there you have it. Still waiting for nine year old son's list. It should be a doozy.

I Am King

Not of the blog world, obviously. I have been very naughty and let life and troubles distract me from this great venue. (Get well soon Mom)

I am in the mood again- hip, hip hooray!!

Now back to business. I read that some men are trying to snipe post-partum depression. I am not going to dis true mental illness*, but come on!!!! If you didn't just get over being pregnant, with accompanied hormonal changes, for 10 months and then top it off with a natural birth, medicated birth and/or surgical birth, just after which you started or feel guilty for not having started, breast feeding, then you DO NOT get to claim you are seriously depressed after birth. Now the mother of your child has to deal with your whiny ass too?? Get over yourself, change a diaper, settle your baby and deal with it. I hope these men don't try to take our menopausal martyrdom away, oops they already did. What does that leave us? Menstruation I guess. Oh that's right- men can have "mood cycles" too. Enough already. I hope they keep jock itch and roid rage to themselves.....

I have discovered that there is no such thing as "I pee peed my bed just a little." At least not in my house. I have also discovered that you can wake up, weigh yourself, go to the toilet and weigh yourself again and you can be a pound heavier. I won't watch the debates for the same reason I didn't like watching Siskel & Ebert~ can't stand people arguing. But, at the same time, I discovered some things are worth arguing for, like defending your own family from people with a misguided and wicked agenda.

And I learned that my mother, who will loose her hair any day now from chemo, ordered a head tattoo kit that came with a bunch of temporary tattoos for her head. She got three of the following design:

"I am King"

She is going to use them.

* Tom Cruise~ please honey, get yourself some medication before it is too late.

Momwork

I guess I didn't know that Moms got homework. This is in addition to regular mom work. I understand the schools have a limited budget. And I appreciate all the effort teachers put into projects for my kids. But it drives me nuts when a note comes home Tuesday that dear son needs to bring a package of dried apples (always handy) in on Thursday morning. Which means I HAVE to go to the store on Wednesday. This screws up my "I only got to the grocery store once a week" creed. Hmmm.... I am beginning to see where my eldest's inflexibility may have come from.........


And if I don't hand everything as per requested- I will get a bad mommy grade.







I wish I just got a list at the beginning of the year with all of my momwork so I can get extra credit for getting it done early. It probably, with three kids combined, would look like this:

Marge's Momwork

* 10-12 snapshots of each child and family, pets, etc. (which may or may not be mangled, cut up and/or returned )
* 2 liter soda bottles- empty (chug-a-lug)
* birthday snacks for a class of 30 (nutritious, no nuts and something they won't think is gross and throw around the room) x3
* party napkins for 30
* juice boxes for 30
* 3 boxes Kleenex
* 2 inch binder
* ruler
* ice cream toppings
* sign a million papers
* collection of 100 something (buttons, cheerios, etc.)
* dried apples
* makings for a giant panda diorama
* 5-6 shoe boxes, some decorated
* 2 dozen hard-boiled eggs
* cake mix for the cake decorating contest
* hard candy for the carnival
* old holiday cards
* poster boards, markers
* report covers
* pine cones
* red glitter
* trombone (got a call from dear son at recess, he needed a trombone by 2:00 that day)
* music for trombone
* about 50 miscellaneous items- TBA (of course)

I am thinking my mom only got stuff for my science projects. She didn't know how easy she had it. So if you see me hightailing it to Von's with teacher's note in my hand, wave hi and make me smile. I maybe will smile back :)

Uhh...are you freakin' kidding me?

Glitter Text Generator

is the improg word of the week. I felt it when my oncologist called me yesterday to tell me my last body scan was "fabulous," "normal," "the best one the diagnostic center has seen all week." Which also means I am done with cancer. Finito. I won b*tch. Not FOR SURE, according to the medical community, because I don't deserve that yet and they are too chicken to lay it down that way. But according to me I am most definitely done.

But just as euphoria hits, I remember my mom is in the hospital with newly diagnosed advanced ovarian cancer.

Big Yellow

Coupon Code: NEVER

That's right. I am physically incapable of executing a coupon in real life. I forget them in my wallet, forget to put them in my wallet, bring the wrong purse....... and if the coupon actually makes it out of my wallet at the store, it is expired. So when I saw that the improg word of the week was COUPON, I almost started to sweat. Then I realized I can make some virtual coupons for myself and all my good bloggy friends. So here they are.......feel free to use as many as you like and send them to your well-deserving friends!

Life's a Whirl

Let's Make it Quat

I had been suffering from blogherrea, then blog stoppage. I had no camera, and now I have no computer. The tech gods are punishing me for some deeds in my past life I am sure...... I have kids going to school, one not going to school and lots of other blog-interference. I hope I get regular soon. The discomfort is killing me.



Now onto my improg word Kumquat.

I grew up in lots of places. Navy brat. But spent my formative years (self-defined as ages 7-12) in Pascagoula, Mississippi.

We did lots of things as kids in Mississippi in the summertime including:


* playing baseball using piles of oyster shells as bases (whose lousy idea was that? I still have a scar under my eye from sliding into home)

* going into the woods looking for BigFoot

* fishing for croakers

* walking to the store to get a slushie

*singing Dixie songs (I have an 8-track tape somewhere to prove it)

*improving our 'girls only' tree fort ( we painted it in psychedelic rainbow)

* catching fireflies

* avoiding water moccasins

* finding turtles and frogs

* throwing cans of cream soda down under the clubhouse on a pile of oyster shells to make a tiny hole that would spray the soda into our mouths

*swimming all day at the pool or the beach (The latter stopped when Jaws was released...)

* piling our girl scout cookies into a red wagon and trying to deliver them in the neighborhood while fending off the boys trying to ambush us

* throwing dirt clods at the neighborhood boys

* setting traps in the dirt paths in the woods so the boys would crash into them on their dirt bikes (Hmmm.. we were pretty bitter about the cookies thing)

* playing barbies and riding banana bikes




* sweating always (it was humid)

* watching 'Solid Gold' and 'Soul Train'

* making up our own 'Gong Show'

* drooling over Scott Baio, The Hardy Boys and Leif Garrett

* playing our KISS album

* playing kick-the-can



and finally... we would sneak into the neighbor's backyard and pick off some kumquats from their tree. My mouth puckers just thinking about it. We would eat a few, then decide all of the peeling for the little bit of sour flesh was not worth it. They did, however, make great ammunition along with our stock of dirt clods. So we would load up our red wagon or banana bike baskets and be on our way.

Dirty Little Secrets.........

I HAVE CAMERA PEOPLE!!!!!

So I thought I would celebrate by letting you know a little more than you bargained for........

Dirty Little Secret Number One

My new kitchen sponges are now SpongeBob/Smurf hybrids. I am not certain how this happened.....

Dirty Little Secret Number Two

If I get another piece of equipment that comes with another cord/connector/adaptor, I am going to strangle someone with it.

Can't there just be one cord that connects everything????

Dirty Little Secret Number Three

My daughter is an interior design extraordinaire. She has chaotic taste wouldn't ya say? Hmmmm... I think I see a sponge wrapper in there......

"Patrick (a live animal) run for your life!" The live animal is not the white furball just above. That is a dead dog. No really it is a purse. Yes, a purse.

Dirty Little Secret Number Four

I hardly ever wear a bra. Here are the ones I hardly ever wear. I have had these bras at least 8 years now and somehow they still do fit........with the new occupants and all....

Dirty Little Secret Number Five

One of our German Shepherd Dogs likes to swim. We are pretty sure he also pees in the pool, yet we let him swim anyway.............


Dirty Little Secret Number Six

My dear husband and I squeal with glee, almost pee our pants laughing, when we think about this old Staples commercial. Maybe we should do a reenactment since 'tis the season........

Dirty Little Secret Number Seven
Our oldest son is obsessing that he is not going to live forever and neither are his parents. It is heartbreaking........... In fact it is 10:00 pm right now and I am letting him watch the Olympics so he doesn't think about it as he tries to fall asleep.

enough dirty laundry for now...... going out to take some more pictures!

Can you guess the species of these big browns?

SASSY

Today I am improgging the word SASSY.


I used to be sassy. Of course, having a teen-aged body didn't hurt in this pursuit. They didn't call me Wonderbuns in high school for nothing ;)

Let's just say now I strive to be sassy. Sassy is a goal. I have some great sassy friends. Hayley are you there my brave and bold friend?? Trust me, you can learn a lot from her. Life is so much fun when you can dress up like the Mona Lisa, Danica Patrick, Betty Crocker and Miss Piggy all in one day.

Today in my Sassy Fantasy Life I would:

1) tell my husband I need a wife to help me get all my stuff done
2) watch Desperate Housewives and not be embarrassed to tell anyone that I love the show
3) wear clothes that were made for 20-year olds
4) go out on the field and help my dear husband coach his bantam football team
5) bring home some stray cats
6) drive a Porsche convertible
7) call people right away on their BS phony crap
8) wear a shirt that says F*CK CANCER
9) tell people that are walking around Target with their bluetooth to stop freakin' talking to me
10) honk and wave at the car with the bumper sticker that says "Honk if you're horny!"

So what are your sassy goals? Let's make them happen! Seize the day! I am going out to look for some stray cats now. See you later!

Facetious Recipe

So today I am improgging facetious. My morning brain synapsed a facetious way to figure out how I ended up getting breast cancer.



After the shock and awe of my diagnosis I wanted to know WHY in a big way. Was very let down that no amount of asking or searching was going to get me my answer. So I came up with my secret recipe theory:






SECRET BREAST CANCER RECIPE

1 basic human body(genetics included)
many foodstuffs (eaten over a lifetime)
20+ years of various environmental factors
a few sprinkles of exogenous and endogenous hormones (pregnancies, nursing, birth control pills, HRT-pick one or more)
1 or 2 key viruses (exact virus and circumstances unknown)
some exercise (maybe not enough)
A few stress events
A dash of bad luck
A pinch of why me

Combine and bake at 98.6F for 30-60 years and voila!!!
the perfect breast cancer served on a silver pan, rush to pathology.



I am throwing out my apron....................

Are we there yet?

Close Encounters of the Feline Kind

As some of you know, and as some of you may care, I have been having some interesting cat encounters as of late. And now that I think about it, it was really unreasonable to expect those days to be over......





So the story goes that we had family and friends on our boat on the lake. It was time to find a place to anchor and have lunch. Dear husband was under the impression that he could decide where to hitch up for lunch. Seeing that we had a boat full of people, I let this slide even though he was going very much away from my usual coveted lunch spot. So here we are zipping along in the middle of the lake, when I see.....

Of course this is not the real picture of the real cat we saw in the middle of the lake. I am still cameraless. And picture dear kitty from behind- one little wet black head and two little wet black ears. Farther away. My sister (we are both stricken with cat-love but are both on spouse imposed cat-max) spots him too. Dear husband had a stroke of sanity and pulled up next to him and I grabbed a beach towel and scooped him up. Kitty was big. I would say part Siamese and definitely not feral. Thank god for big favors. Now we had to deal with the age old question: What to do with a scared, wet cat on a boat with 8 people in the 100 degree heat?

Dear kitty was amazingly calm. Dear husband and dear BIL were silently panicked. Who was going to end up breaking the cat laws of domestic bliss? We decide to head for the marina to find the Lost Kitty Stand. Actually we find two park rangers and tell them about dear kitty. They tell us they find all kinds of critters in the lake, mostly snakes that crawl on boats which then are trailered to the lake. The critters jump off in the water, unbeknownst to the boat owners. The park service does have a wayward animal station and they would take care of dear kitty and see if anyone comes looking for him. Dear husband and dear brother-in-law heave a sigh of relief. One dear ranger said his kids had just convinced him to get them a cat. So if no one claimed him, he would take him home himself.

So we took stock-

cat inflicted scratches- 0

wet beach towel with cat hair- 1

lost cat found and safe- 1

our own desperate housecats who do not appreciate how good they have it- 3

So now I will be forever searching the lake water for wayward cat ears......................... we should rename the boat Destiny Cat.

Star cookies on chocolate cake...heavenly......

Cookies made by Sweet Dreams

Awwwww.........hear that?

I didn't either. The only sound I can hear right now is the hum of my laptop. I forgot it even hummed. The three monsters are in day camp this week. I love 'em, but it is hard not being able to complete one thought for a month straight. They are having the time of their lives. I pick them up each day wet, muddy, full of stickers and burs, exhausted, grumpy, stinky and happy. It is well worth the price of admission.

Now back to our regularly scheduled program.......

OK, my procrastinating got me out of improging plethora. Which is good, because Hayley and Susan did it much better than I ever could. The new improg word of the week is PONYTAIL.

I must admit I envy the adult woman in ponytail. Mostly because I used to look good in them and now my hair is short. Because it got all funked up when I had chemo, imagine that. But for now, this new hairstyle is better for me than growing it out because it would look like a cross between Kramer and a malnourished poodle*. Really. My hair does seem to be returning to it's old texture, slow......ly.

* this, of course, is way better than being bald and on chemo

For now I will just have to fantasize pulling my hair back and putting it in a pony tail holder.

It will be thick and luxurious. It will jostle as I walk. And have pretty, natural highlights. Awww...but to dream......

My daughter has entered the ponytail age. No one warned me this area is fraught with danger. If I am unable to execute the ponytail exactly as she had hoped (all laws of physics not expected...) then the frump face comes out. Believe me, this does not ever go well. So here I would love any ponytail....and she isn't happy with any.....as they say.... life's a ponytailed bitch.

I once read an article that some guy wrote that discussed what kind of grease to use on a man's ponytail. I think this is a crime against humanity. What exactly goes through a white middle-aged man's mind when he decides this is the look for him? I find it amusing that "macho" men are embracing such an effeminate hairstyle. It didn't even look good on David Beckham.

I am waiting for the men to break out the pig tails. That would at least be amusing.

Maybe I should become a vigilante girl with scissors, saving the world one horrible man-tail at a time. I could probably take care of a few rat-boy tails too.

Watch out boys, snip, snip!! Ponytail Bitch is coming for ya!!

Sad but true....

I am completely lost, dysfunctional, sorta depressed...all because my digital camera has gone to digital camera heaven- again. I can't blog, I can't wordless wednesday, I can't take a ridiculous number of pictures of the kids or the cats.

I was a first time camera widow about 6 months ago and now my latest one died. As in DEAD. Cost more to fix it than get a new one. Arghhhhhhhhh. Going to get a better/more sturdy/ more like my old Minolta 35mm but digital. Because of the dreaded BUDGET, have to wait a few more weeks. Anyway, if anyone has any recommendations for a new one, I am all ears. Camera must be able to withstand sand and roller coasters. I can tell new camera can't wait to meet me and it's new destiny......................

Another sad but true fact is our dog Nikki is at her End of Days. Lately she has been having a lot of trouble getting up off her dog bed. She is almost 14 and really has not been herself since we had to put her 14 year old "sister" dog down a year ago.
Major, our major goofus young dog, gave her a gift today. He found a dead baby bird (tiny, fell out of it's nest I assume) and he brought it over to her and put it on her dog bed. The baby bird looked like it was sleeping (i.e. not chewed up) and Nikki wagged her tail as she smelled it. Of course I am inferring here. But there is no other way this little bird made it onto her bed by itself. Major is so sweet, in a disgusting dog sort of way. It is weird how they must know some things..... he has never passed up the opportunity to chew up some dead animal before.....

I am listening to the kids blasting "Under My Rock" by Spongebob and Patrick.

The housing crisis has hit home. My 5 year old dear daughter has a homemade sign on her door that says "Sorry, HOUS UNAVILIBL" Of course, I would post a cute photo of this sign, but *sigh*

The last sad but true fact for the day is I don't wanna make dinner, but I have to- waaah!!