IMPROGGING NONSENSE

OK, improgging is not nonsense. I am improgging the word nonsense. As you can see by the definition below, I am an expert in this area.

NONSENSE
noun: a message that seems to convey no meaning, or an ornamental object with no value

I know plenty of these:

* emails I send

* convoluted blog posts (see any of mine)

* a lecture from the sales rep at the tile store about how carpet is bad for my health (you know vapors, chemicals) as she leaves for her smoke break

* pink ribbons will cure breast cancer

* claiming seat belts mess up your outfit

* complaining there is no full-length mirror at a mountain cabin (AKA get over yourself)

* walking out of your child's dental office with your new iphone, hop into your new Escalade and claim you "can't afford" $50 to fix your child's decayed teeth

* using a paper napkin to wipe your mouth when your shirt is so handy (ages 10 and under)

* thong underwear

* a logical explanation for retail therapy

* fat-free candy

* most things George Bush utters

* my age and weight

* some kids are naturally neat

Now this next part is not nonsense- I am happily in the lovely Lake Tahoe area for a week. My blogging capabilities will be severely limited for the time being. I promise to then have a vacation-renewed fabulous blog style rolling upon my return.................

FIERCE

is my love for this girl. This girl, who cracks me up with her spirit every day. Now, I know those of you who do not know my daughter will think I am a bored housewife enraptured with my daughter's youth......well maybe I am, but enough about me. She really is a force unto herself. And she is smart, funny and brave. At the age of three, she broke my heart when she saw me get out of the shower, mastectomy scars in full display, and said "Momma, I hope my surgery looks just like yours when I grow up."
I love my boys too. More on them later.

Ten Things I Love About Her

1. When a girlfriend of mine called me to report she finally had some no-kid time and wanted to meet me for coffee, dear daughter was HIGHLY OFFENDED that she was not invited. Because we are her peer group and that was a total dis.

2. "Bella, Bella, Bella Dancerella, pretty little swamp, I can see....." that is how she sings it because that is what they say Mom. Duh! (I am pretty sure it is "pretty little swan", but what do I know? I do like her take on it.....)

3. I was muttering about how to possibly do her hair for her ballet recital. She has a short bob and they want hair in a bun, completely pulled back from face. She came to her not a french-braid, bun or anything fancy mom's rescue by stating "Oh, mom I have it all figured out in my head. You do a little ball on this side, another ball on the other side and just see the back natural. It will be great!" And she is right. Of course.

4. All my friends want her to get a cell phone. Because she wants one and they want to talk to her.

5. She always insists that Barbie drives and Ken rides shot gun.

6. She has a good sense of good vs. evil and was a little disappointed to hear "policemans" don't have cameras everywhere and arrest people on the spot when they break the law.

7. She pointed at the platform stripper shoes her new Barbie, a birthday gift, was wearing and inquired "Mom, what is up with that?"

8. She asked me if girls "can be firemen too?" She also asked if they had to go down that pole, or can they just take the stairs?

9. When the family plays touch football in the park, she plays center and can catch a pass and score a touchdown too. Oh and the grrrrrr football face she makes is pretty hilarious.

10. I was trimming her fingernails, which is sort of a wrestling match, and she declared "Mom, you are one FIERCE nail cutter!"

One Hit Wonder

Life Is Not Fair Kinda Funny

I am participating in IMPROG MONDAY. Basically with improg, you blog about the word of the day. Please check out the improg site for more information. You will see there is also an improg Friday, but I have a problem with biweekly commitment at this juncture..... :)
Everyone is welcome to join the fun!

Improg word today is fair. Surprisingly, for a Monday morning, my somewhat youthfully old (see Your Brain on Menopause) and confused brain (why are we thinking so early???) spits out two meanings for fair. The first one is fair, as in county fair, which is quickly discarded. Why you may ask? Because I am a dentist and county fair=missing teeth= can't stop staring at missing teeth= why don't they get their teeth fixed?= they are on drugs= they are running the rides on drugs= why did we bring the kids here again= @&%$!#$^$@!!= alright, let's not think about this anymore. As in never!!

The second meaning is fair as in fairness. As in life is not fair. Well, I could go on and on about this. But if I really wanted to go down this depressing road- I would read one of my breast cancer books or think why they made the stranger safety video my kids are watching right now or look at the latest news. So I am going with Life Is Not Fair Kinda Funny.

LIFE IS NOT FAIR because......

* my husband has his own home office with official desk, nice desk chair, new desktop computer, ability to close door and lock it
* I have an old laptop, no printer, no privacy (in the middle of the living room which is open to the rest of the house), one of the dining room chairs, an old table
* I have a daughter that at age 5, without my knowledge or consent, wrote on my Summer Kid Project List (which was in my desk) "clay tawers" I am not really sure why Karen's Mom's Freezer Paper Project and the tie-dye t-shirts were not enough projects for her this summer. I am not even sure what clay towers are. But I am sure that when I see her after the video, she will let me know. It it is not really fair that my daughter is so funny, smart, loving, creative, cute and motivated- but the other mothers will just have to envy me ;)
* my kids caught a cold, from some kid at school, on the very last possible day they were in school and could possibly catch a cold from someone there
* now that the laptop, desktop, boat, pool cover and something else I can't remember are fixed.... the camera just broke
* it is so much easier to spend money than save it and so much easier to gain weight than lose it (see above camera just broke, and I still like cake)
* my brain has fallen and it can't get up
* my son was talking about how he knows "how to find portals" and my poor brain was trying to figure out how this relates to the field trip I had just asked him about (note: it doesn't, try to keep up mom)
* after returning home from the beach, I discover pockets FULL of decaying dead crab parts in dear son's jacket...............some big parts, hundreds of tiny parts, all stinky parts. I really hate dead, stinky crab parts and checking pockets at the beach would have been oh so convenient.......
* I need to find a Blogger Rehab Program or start my own. It's summer vacation time people! And I am officially on duty to preserve and protect and restore order as necessary!!

So there you have it folks! Happy improg!

Some More Things I Have Learned

1. Take one hot concrete step. Get one pair thin pants and one pair nylon undies. Combine pants and undies. Sit on step and bake at 95 degrees for one hour at your nephew's graduation. Yield 2 hot buns. Burnt buns to be exact. Exactly 2 red, burned butt cheeks. Ask your husband to rub aloe lotion on and serve.

Recipe compliments of my sister ;)

2. If you SWEAR TO GOD that you will only go in and buy the baby boy gift for your daughter's pregnant teacher and not a bunch of clothes for your daughter at The Children's Place....well ... you are going straight to hell.

3. There is only one style of bra, in the entire Victoria Secrets store, that does not have padding. And it is $45. Let's see- plain bra with no padding, twice as much? What is up with that?

4. If you buy a manga cartoon kit for your boys, you won't see them for 2 hours. how convenient at times.... They will draw cartoons that combine killer bees, rock stars, pet stores and ninjas. All in the same strip.

5. You can and will be corrected on the lyrics while singing "Laugh Cuckaberra, laugh cuckaberra" by your five year old.

6. She sings better than you.

IMPROG MONDAY

IMPROG = IMPROV + BLOG. This concept was masterminded by my friends Hayley and Susan. Hayley set up an improg site and anyone is welcome to join the fun! This is my first improg.....so be gentle......

OK. Connection. So easy, so hard to blog about this word. Each day in the life, making new connections and shedding some old. Well, thank goodness. Otherwise, I would still be dragging around a blue fuzzy blanky and sneaking hershey's syrup from the can. I have the:

* not-always-easy connections (some family)

* mostly fabulous connection (dear husband and some other family)

* incredibly, overwhelmingly intense connections (my three kids)

* now distant connections (high school and college friends)

* close connections (friends about now)

* connections with people I have never met in person or spoken to (bloggy friends and discussion board friends)

* an emotionally fierce connection with some other cancer survivors- breast or otherwise.

There are connections I shake off fast (idiots!) and some I am embarrassed to have (there was poop in the washing machine survivor club). I also have connections to our pets, nature and art. Some books make a great connection for me, as do some sweets ;)

I still have connections yet to come. That is the best part- the ifs and whens of the connections I have yet to make. Hopefully they will be plenty and strong. Hopefully I will still be in connection with my best connections today. Hopefully I will be there to have my grand children's connection.

So the word connection to me can be as simple as one thread holding a button on my shirt, or it can be as infinitely complex as the depth of my soul and yours. Yes YOU, person reading this blog. What a crazy connected world. So I a wishing YOU the best connections and Happy Improg Monday!

No, that brown wad in the washer is not brown play-doh....

Some of you may remember I washed an animal's mandible in the clothes washer a few months ago. I have diligently checked all pants pockets since. But, alas, underwear do not have pockets. And I must confess that the brown play-doh, that somehow made it through the wash and spin cycle, was too fascinating. How did it end up in a ball on top of the clothes? Before any logic, reason or sanity could hit me,

I..... picked...... it...... up.

I..... squeezed........... it.



AAarrrrggggghhhhh!!!!



OK, I feel better now. Confession is good for the soul. Now I need a CSI kit to find the perp.



And on an entirely different note, (but still involving a derriere) I must congratulate Hayley, who is literally working her butt off. I had the pleasure of lunch with her the other day and I couldn't help but notice that my BUTT IS AT LEAST TWICE THE SIZE of hers now. OK, I am really mad at myself and happy for her. But she has officially inspired me to get my act together.



Of course, I like cake. So I drew one. It turns out to be my last cake hurrah.

























OK, I will not deprive the world of seeing me enjoy cake entirely, but I will just be having small pieces now and again.




Happy Trails and Happy Cake!!!

Why we drive 6 hours to Lake Tahoe